Hal yang paling menyedihkan saat saya lagi terpuruk adalah, ngebayangin punggung sama kepala saya di usap2 sama almarhumah mama, sambil beliau nina boboin saya sampe tertidur. Setengah rasa sedih saya rasanya pasti sudah terangkat. See you in Jannah ya, ma
Dulu waktu kecil kalo saya gak dikasih mainan barbie kesukaan, bakal sedih banget sama orang tua. Udah ngerasa hidup paling sedih, paling berat dan males banget buat liat hal lain lagi. Pas udah masuk sd, pelajaran di kelas berasa sulit banget, apalagi pas UN. Deg degan takut ga lulus, ga bisa lanjut SMP dan banggain orang tua. Ga bisa ngelanjutin hidup lah pokoknya.
Pas SMP sama SMA juga gitu. Takut banget ga lulus UN dan SNMPTN. Gimana nantinya kalo ga bisa lanjut sekolah. Kalo saya ga lulus bakal malu maluin dan udah jelek banget lah yang namanya masa depan.
Trus pas udah lulus UN, ikut ujian SNMPTN takut banget ga lulus jadi mahasiswa. Mau ngapain saya kalo ga lulus? Padahal teman2 sekelas udah dapat tiket kelulusan ke kampus impian mereka. Ah, selalu kesedihan mulu yang saya pikirin. Banyak kalau kalau nya.
Padahal ga harus ngikutin aturan baku masyarakat. Lulus ga lulus UN ga semenakutkan itu ternyata. In the end saya sudah ngasih yang terbaik. Ga perlu curang juga buat ngedapetin sesuatu. Main fair itu adalah hal yg dilakuin orang yang berjiwa ksatria. Gagal atau berhasil kan udah digarisin sama Allah. Ga perlu jadi beban atau penyesalan. Apalagi kesedihan yang berlarut.
Kenapa ya kita selalu ciptain burden ke diri sendiri? Overthinking lah. Takut ini itu lah. Ngeremehin diri sendiri ga bisa ini itu. Padahal setelah dicoba, kita bisa aja. Malah hasilnya excellent.
Pas olimpiade astronomi waktu SMA, saya malah ga ada burden sama sekali. Chill aja gitu belajarnya. Seru. Pas lomba tau tau dapet juara 1 dan mewakilin kota sendiri ke tingkat provinsi. Pas disuruh jadi speaker buat acara2, takutnya setengah mati. Takut salah ngomong, gagap ngomongnya, ga jelas atau orang lain ga ngerti. Yang intinya saya takut orang bakal nge judge saya yang jelek. Padahal orang kebanyakan ga bakal mikir sampe sejauh itu kecuali emang dia hater sejati kita. Dan pas ngasih kajian pun ternyata saya kok bisa. Lancar aja ngomongnya walau diawal gemeteran gitu suara. Pas ngasih pidato juga saya ternyata bisa kok walau pas awal ngomongnya kecepetan. Pas wawancara berbahasa inggris, ternyata saya bisa kok ngomong dengan baik dan lancar bahkan sampe curhat pake bahasa inggris. Yang ini nganterin saya bisa ke amerika. Ternyata pas saya diundang uda Ahmad Fuadi buat ngasih talk, saya bisa. Ga malu2in juga. Bahkan banyak yang terinspirasi dengan kisah saya. Ternyata jadi moderator buat acara sekelas international conference pun saya bisa. Padahal speaker nya peneliti muda indonesia di Jepang, seorang profesor di Osaka University yang pas awal saya baca profilnya saya langsung minder setengah mati. Apalah saya ini. Ternyata saya bukan remah2 renginang atau debu2 keset rumah. Saya bisa kok. Saya hebat. Tapi kenapa baru hari ini saya sadarnya hei manusia?
Ah, pikiran manusia yah. Emang lebih kejam dibanding pistol, peluru, sabitan, pedang, pisau silet atau omongan tetangga sekalipun. Saya ga ngomongin omongan orang. Tapi “omongan yang ada dalam pikiran kita”. Bisa sakit banget kalo omongan jelek di pikiran kita didengerin. Jangan sampe deh dikasih wadah tuh pikiran jelek yang jelek2in diri sendiri. Mending cintai diri sendiri dengan sepenuhnya. Jangan tunggu orang lain yang puja puji kita eh diri sendiri telat nyadarin kalo kita se spesial itu.
Dear self, you’re special, adorable, extremely beautiful, smart, and funny. Semua kata2 baik buat kamu, self. Terimakasih udah menantang diri dengan berbagai tantangan dunia. Semoga tantangan selanjutnya bikin kamu makin hebat personality, makin banyak rasa syukurnya dan banyak manfaatnya buat orang lain.
Your 2021 self
Tuesday, 16 March
Well, I actually want to talk about my besties. They’re my bestfriend from CCI Program and I am soooo grateful to have them as my good companion before, during, and after the program ended. Alhamdulillah tsumma Alhamdulillah. So, we have a weekly meeting through whatsapp call or video call which suppose to learn Quran because after coming back to Indonesia, we felt that our heart soo empty and needed a charge of Imaan. Fortunately they pointed on me to be the teacher or spiritual teacher and teach them about our weekly talks. The reason why they wanted me to be “the ustadzah” maybe due to my appearance whom cover myself with hijab and maybe I have learned a lot about islamic knowledge since in the middle school. Initially, I am still on going learner to be the bestest of myself, my dunya and my akhirah.
Lets jump in to the talk. Last week was our 11th week of our Quran Circle. Sometimes we call it “Kajian” or “Liqo” or “ketemuan tapi online”. hei, it was the first time of our new another CCI bestie who joined our meeting as well. Now there are six of us. The super rempong sisters of deen. haha. Nah, after talking about quran weekly chapter 11 which talked about how the quraisy people insult Islam, we had another chatter. This discussion source is from Quran Weekly series by Ustadz Nouman Ali Khan, Juz 11. You can search it by using keyword: Quran Weekly Series.
After 30 minutes of discussion about the theme, we moved to private weekly chit-chat which apparently we talked about our agony of life in a week! haha! And to be frank, we spent more time to have a chit chat rather that the serious part which is this actually our main reason to have our circle sustainable. I usually became a listener just because I have been talking about the main theme for 30 minutes and it drained my energy #introvertslife . Frankly, I like to talk (a loott) to someone whom I comfortable with. Fun Fact, almost all of us are in the late 20’s and early 30’s and we are single ladies. haha! You know what’s our talks actually, huh? yes, it’s about marriage. By chance, I shared with them about what should I do next month in my younger sister’s wedding about my singleness. Just in case people would love to ask me about that boring question! Their answers were super hilarious! they said:
“hei, you can rent a boyfriend!”
“That’s right, I can call someone to be your date buddy”
“I remember this person, you can pay him and pretend to be your future husband”
“No no, don’t this ugly man. he’s is unreasonable and norak”
What a super ridiculous advices! But I love the way they entertain me as a bestfriend! I was thinking that they would say “be patient please, yang sabar yah kamu”.
It was a big NO! I am very grateful for trusting them by sharing my worries. As you know, mostly we don’t need an advice even an ugly advice. All we need is the ears and the jokes from them. The way they understand your perspective is already a healing and then you can setting up your next step to your problems.
I shared this chatter to my sister and she said that it is the true relationship between me and my friends and it reminded her of one of the scenes in Reply 1988 Drama. When Cho Taek lost for the first time in his Baduk Competition, he was very upset. Then his best friend came to his house and pretended that it’s not a big deal. Finally cho taek received his first lost after all the winning time. It was great time to celebrate it and cho taek was not upset anymore!
I 100 percent agree toward my sister’s analogy. I know how Cho Taek feelings and it has no correlation to your advices, dude! Unless your best friend ask for help and advice, you can go on giving your words!
In the end, what we need is someone to listen, he/she sits down next to you, and know how to make a smart joke in front of you! I pray may you find a good friend like I had!
Rainy January, PRM, ID
Barusan saya sedang mencari-cari info bagaimana cara membeli buku internasional yang berbahasa inggris di depositorybook.com. Liat2 apa buku yang saya incar tersedia disana atau tidak. kemudian saya surfing lagi untuk mencari buku-buku yang pernah di rekomendasikan oleh aida azlin di channel youtube nya, yaitu:
- Purification the heart by Hamza Yusuf
- A guide to Islam by Prince Muhammad Ghazi
- 40 rules of love
- When you hear hoofbeats of zebra
SO, I started to search the number one list in the recommendation book. Saya cari tahu, buku ini bahasannya apa saja sih?
berdasarkan bookdepository explanation sih dijelasin gini : “This exploration of Islamic spirituality delves into the psychological diseases and cures of the heart. Diseases examined include miserliness, envy, hatred, treachery, rancor, malice, ostentation, arrogance, covetousness, lust, and other afflictions that assail people and often control them. The causes and practical cures of these diseases are discussed, offering a penetrating glimpse into how Islam deals with spiritual and psychological problems and demonstrating how all people can benefit from these teachings.”
Kurang lebih buku ini ngebahas tentang tadzkiyatun nafs, gimana caranya kontrol your nafs, penyakit hati dan cara untuk deal with them. Awalnya mau check out beberapa buku, ternyata kalo di rupiahin kerasa banget yah harga buku2 mahal. Pengen baca digital, tapi bikin mata ga enak dan perih liat layar hape dan laptop. Beli Kindle juga rasa-rasanya ga butuh2 banget. Oke, cukup curhatannya ikrim. hihi.
Long short story, saya pun cari tahu tentang siapa itu Hamza Yusuf. Saya gugel lah beliau yang ternyata adalah American Islamic Scholar dan juga co-founder Zaytuna college. Sebelumnya saya juga sudah pernah dengar nama beliau, namun baru sekarang saya cari tahu lebih lanjut dan bagaimana kiprah dakwah beliau di amerika sana. Untuk cari tau kiprah beliau, bisa di gugel aja yah teman-teman.
Nah, pas cari info beliau di gugel, ketemulah sebuah tulisan beliau tentang ibu nya yang berjudul: “On the Passing of My Mother; Elizabeth Hanson”. and that writing is so pure and beautiful. You can read the article in here: https://sandala.org/on-the-passing-of-my-mother/
A writing which wrote by her son, Hamza Yusuf. Tulisan tentang kepergian ibunya yang ternyata banyak banget ngasih pengaruh ke beliau. Ibu beliau adalah seorang ibu yang senang berbagi, suka untuk berbagi melalui kegiatan sukarela di berbagai organisasi dan mengajar bahasa inggris dan banyak lainnya. Sebelum beliau meninggal, beliau malah bilang : “it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life”. (a song Prayer of Peace by St. Francis) melalui kematian lah kita terlahir kembali ke kehidupan yang abadi. Two things that I could highlight are wise and very well open minded person. Kenapa saya bilang begini, hal yang menarik pertama adalah dia sudah di baptis secara katolik oleh a greek chatolic, memiliki ketertarikan terhadap syair-syair rumi, dan menjadi anggota Buddhist Shonghai. For me, it’s a big wow untuk seorang ibu dari Sheikh Hamza Yusuf. In the end, she embraced Islam in Fez, Morocco. What a long story, indeed she had a strong believe in faith, in Islam. Masha Allah.
Beberapa hal yang saya pelajari dari beliau sebagai seorang hamba dan seorang ibu adalah:
- Ga pernah bicara dengan nada tinggi kepada anak2nya
- Menghormati segala kepercayaan dan ngajarin anak2nya pun begitu
- Sebagai ibu yang saat itu belum embrace islam, beliau nganterin Hamza Yusuf yg berumur 12 tahun ke masjid untuk sholat Jumat. Ini ngingetin saya bagaimana ibunda nya Imam Malik yang rutin nganterin Imam Malik ke Masjid untuk sholat jumat. Ditambah, dia paham ibadah nya orang muslim dan bahkan sudah mengenal siapa itu nabi Muhammad SAW jauh sebelum Hamza Yusuf memeluk islam.
- Ga pernah ngomongin kebaikan2 yang sudah pernah dia lakuin ke orang lain. she just did it, and lived her truth.
- Senang tersenyum constantly, meskipun dia sedang terbaring lemah karena penyakit kankernya
- Ga pernah mengeluh
- Ga ngomongin orang dan menerima orang sebagaimana mereka dulu tanpa menghakimi. “She never spoke ill of people and accepted people as they were without judgment”.
Those beautiful words Hamza yusuf wrote in his blog is super comforting and taught me much lessons. Jadi seorang ibu itu ga mudah gaes, tapi once kamu di beri anugrah untuk jadi ibu, jadilah ibu terbaik. Kamu bisa mencontoh dari para sahabiyah yang dicontohkan diberbagai literatur. Saya sangat encourage para perempuan muslimah untuk belajar, terutama belajar adab dulu baru ilmu. Agar tidak menjadikan kita angkuh, sombong, bangga karena punya ilmu. Namun selalu rendah hati dan menolong siapa pun tanpa pandang bulu karena keilmuanmu.
Pariaman, 12.35 wib
Whenever I recall memories about parents, it’s gonna be an enormous blessings I have had from them. Actually I had talked about them in the last two posts about how grateful I am to have them and my regret for not being a good daughter for them. Since five years old of my childhoods, I didn’t live with my parents. I grew up without them assisting my curiosity, my puberty and my question about dream and life. Back then, I didn’t know how to be friends with anyone, I started to avoid people and enjoyed myself alone. Furthermore, I used to go home directly after the school is over, daily. Due to the fact that I lived in a village which takes 30 minutes by angkot (traditional public transportation) in my hometown, so I don’t want to left behind and waiting for an hour for the next “vehicle”.
Initially, I am not talking about my struggle. I’d like to tell you about my hypothesis on how parents dua (prayer) could affected our journey in the future. I do believe that our dua to our future children are heard by Allah, and one day if you’re able to have children, Allah will make it true those duas for your children. Why do I talk this topic?
As a young girl who doesn’t know anything unless their opinion which is lack of experience, it was easy for me being influenced bad habit by wrong friend and in liberal environment. Gladly, I have never wanted to try any certain thing which teenagers in my age wanted to do such as having boyfriend/girlfriend, smoking, gambling, engaged in a gang fight, badmouthing each other, etc. After growing up very well, whenever I see a good kids, a brilliant one, the kid who obeyed to their parents, who could memorize quran correctly, and love their parents and their siblings, I always prayed one of their attitude could be applied to my future children. Then I realized, perhaps this is one of the way why Allah still is protecting me from any bad influence. Probably my parent was praying for good things for me in the future and it was far far away before I was born to the world. In conclusion, I do believe dua is powerful even your dua can deliver to the one who haven’t born into the world yet. Don’t stop to pray because dua/prayer is muslim greatest power given by Allah.
May Allah protect us and our family and gather us in Jannah. Aamiin
Ikrim in Pariaman, 23:03
Oh, I have bunch of dreamlist about places I wanna visit! You can go to the page and click the “bucketlist” part. You can see how passionate I am to traveling around the world. But again, I know it is not cheap and easy, bruh. I spent 10 years of dreaming about going abroad which I almost gave up and stop to be “a stupid dreaming girl” in my family. I stopped it right away after my sister told me to stop dreaming and face the reality. I know my life is really difficult and everything is not going right regarding to finding a good job, financially independent, getting master degree and finding my long lost soulmate.
Actually i am a broken soul inside and outside. I hate the society back then just because it was not the society but it was my family. I am not blaming them, but there is one circumstance which is really affected me until today. That is why I started to pursue my dream and when I am eager to it, I’ll do anything secretly. Furthermore, I decided to take IELTS course by myself, spent 3 months studying IELTS while working at the same time, saving up my poor salary, stay connected to the people which I need their help, trying to open myself so I am not left behind regarding essential information, trying to keep calm down and acting not too excited when I received my nomination as a scholarship grantee eventhough I cannot stop smiling all day.
And here we go! I stopped thinking to study in America. That country was not in my dreamlist anymore as I thought it is too far from Indonesia. I preferred european countries, Aussie, New zealand or Japan. And again, Allah’s plan is alway PERFECT! America is really far after experiencing to spend 27 hours flight from Jakarta to Reagan International Airport. That time was tiring but so much joyful! I wish I could go back again someday. So, My very first country I visit is United States of America. I thought it could be Singapore or Malaysia which is the closest countries but it’s like a gift after grief. Alhamdulillah.
So, what’s next? I really reaalllyy wanna visit KSA, do Hajj or Umrah or both of them. I wanna stay in Mecca for five or ten years or until I die like my mom! Studying quran in the place of prophet SAW, learning tafseer and memorizing quran at the same time. I know it sounds crazy and it would not be easy for a moslem woman yet who knows Allah’s plan for me?
Next, I wish I could visit Istanbul and Spain where the islamic history has created there. I wanna visit victoria falls in Zimbwabwe, visiting Moskow, Alaska, quebec in Canada, Medellin in Colombia, Cairo in Egypt, Santorini in Greek, and many more. Lol. I really need traveling right now.
Well, those are the places I really wanna visit. Perhaps I could not afford all of them, but thinking about it makes my hear super thrilled. Lol. Okay bye
Ikrim, Pariaman, 15.43 WIB
If I could go back to the past, I would like to hug my mom and my grandma. My mom had passed away when I was 5 years old and my grandma left me when I was 8 year old. After mom’s passing in Mecca while doing Hajj, my siblings and I live with grandma and grandpa. But I dont have a really good memory with grandpa as well as my father. Long short story, I live with my grandma until she died three years later. Actually I only had a very short time of my togetherness with them. That is why I don’t have a lot of memories to remind. All the memories dissapear along to the time. When I grow up and life hits me so hard, all good memories come back into my mind like a movie screen. On that point, I really want to hug them, the one who comfort me very well, the hug who can bring joy and make everything feels easy.
Last night I watched 18 again, and there is a scene where the main male lead were going back to the past and was seeing their parent’s sacrifices to their own son/daughter. It makes me cry and my tears keep falling down. I remember I am not a really good daughter to my father. Sometimes I speak straighforward in front of him and sometimes I am feeling annoyed by his repeating question. The fact that sometimes I feel he does not understand me. Those bad behavior I have done towards him make me feel extremely guilty. I have a lot of good memories with him tho. My very first date with him after I graduated from elementary school, he bought me a red T-shirt which I really fancy in Pasar Bukttinggi. When I was so eager to enroll in one of best high school in west sumatera, papa was escort me to the placement test where was too far and took two three hours by riding motorcycle. He knows I am a determined person when I really wanted something, but on the way home from the test, he told me that he could not afford the tuition and the place is too far. He was worry that he could not visit me even once a month in the boarding school and he did not want to make me upset. Those words were touched me and I can see the truth in his eyes. I don’t want to make him upset eventho I am still making him upset until today. Papa, I am sorry :”
The fact is, he still accompanied me until I started my undergraduate days. We took a flight to my future school in different city and different island. It was my very first ever flight which I thought he would not come with me. Again, he did countless sacrifices to me which I have never ever recognize his kindness. I wanna cry right now. I want to hug him but hug affectionate is not our family culture, so it become awkward if I hug him suddenly. Haha. Maybe I’ll hug him when I get married. Someday.
I have plentiful memories with my father. One thing that i really want to accomplish is to go to Hajj or Umrah with my dad. Please pray for me and my dad. Aameen. Insha Allah.
Some women tells me her first love is her dad. Now I know why, because my first love is my Papa as well. Thank you Papa. May Allah protect you and shower you much blessing and mercy. I love you to the moon and back.
Your 5th daughter. The stubborn one yet determined girl.
Ikrim—In pariaman city. 15.06 wib
Hi readers, how are you? It takes a week for me to write the further 30 days writing challenge. Lol. I know I could not commit myself to do a daily writing routine. Furthermore, I am so lazy to write. Okay, I am trying to write again anyway. Today the topic is about things that makes me happy. The first thing that come into my mind is hobby. The problem is I don’t have a particular thing to be interested in! When I was in the elementar y school, playing marbles with friends makes me happy, then I turned to the middle school and I like to collect teens magazine like majalah bobo, aneka yes, majalah anida, cerpen (short story from magazine), cerbung and comic! In the high school, I like to explore something new which is in that moment facebook was a trending and I want to be a part of it. So that I learned to use it yet became addictive to it. See, there are no particular hobby i could have. My life is just very flat.
What about today? In this pandemic crazy life, people use to choose one or three interesting things that they can do in their house. Some of my friends has started to plant the viral monstera, produce tiktok videos, reading books which they could not finish in normal days, watching movies, riding and bicycling, painting, writing, and anything else. For me, I like to learn a certain topic or make something i like. So, I opened youtube and I re-watched Aida Azlin’s channel and watch almost half of her videos about self-care and how become a good muslimah. Then I re-watching quran weekly series 30 juz ramadhan edition which uploaded 7 years ago and share it with my sister circle. I didn’t know sharing is super fun especially with your lovely sister of deen. The last thing is start to write again. Whenever I start to write I feel insecure, is this a proper writing, is it readable for everyone, is it harm someone if they read my writing? At the end, I don’t want to regret by not writing every picture in my mind. Due to the fact I avoid and neglect to write my experience in life, I use to regret it. Why I did not write my CCI program stories? Now I want to write it but I forgot the detailed and I can’t immersed to the feeling at that particular time. Hiks. But it’s okay, let me just write eventhough nobody read this blog. Just because i write all this stories especially to my future self. I hope you can learn one thing everyday, write one thing everyday and be grateful at leasy one thing everyday.
Keep writing Ikrim, because it is your ultimate favorite thing to do.
Ikrim—14.32 in Pariaman City, West Sumatera, Indonesia.
This personal letter is for our lovely friend: Khairur Rijal Usman Abra who passed away on August 9, 2020
Dear you, how have you been there? I hope you’re fine. It takes a longggg time for me to write this letter. I wrote it, then erase it and do it again and repeat. I started to write but my tears keep dropping off.
Actually I want to say a lot of things to you. I also want to say thank you. I want you to see me-how strong myself right now. I miss your cheerful voice, the happy face you always had, the silly questions you had asked, random things you always wanted to do such as doing tik tok, dancing, acting like a beauty pageants, doing a random question-answer while watching miss universe year 1970-2020, slept over at aninda’s apartment while cuddling to weny, aninda and oscar, watching Netflix series “Never have I Ever” until dawn and have a CSI meeting at 10 in the morning. We barely attended the meeting with those dizzy heads and fluffy faces. Good thing is, nobody cares how sleepy we were back then but we do enjoyed our quarantine days more than our “normal day”. I miss the way you requested me to cook a food for you. You called me in the night either I have food left or not just because you’re hungry but don’t have energy to cook. Let say you were lazy to cook. I knew you’re not good in cooking. Lol. That night you came to my apartment and ate all the foods I have. Maybe you didn’t know how grateful I am seeing you eating my food delightfully. I was not sure with my cooking skill. You said it was delicious and you ate for the second and third round. We always had an essential deep conversation while it was just the two of us. We didn’t badmouthing people or gossiping others. Oddly, we talked about our dreams, what’s next, our plans after this exchange ends, our future dream jobs, our plan to meet up in Jakarta before coming back to our hometown, talked our own crushes, favorite things we do as introverts, we also talked about worries that we had, how to cope it, what has changed to ourselves during the program, how exhausting it was when we talked too much to the stranger and laughed to ourselves that we were tired to pretend as cheerful person. I remember our first deep convo was in the bus from alexandria campus to Arbor Park. We sat in the fourth row from the back. I asked you a question which I was very curious about, since we were still in Indonesia. You cried next to me while telling all the stories and how much you love your family. That time I really wanted to hug you tightly but I couldn’t. So, I told you “I wanna hug you, but I can’t. I hope I can comfort you while sitting next to you, Ijal”. Apparently, you cried louder and people in the bus was looking at us. I was so nervous back then and asked question to myself “what’s wrong did I do to him”. Maybe people thought I did something really bad to you. Lol. I should’ve choose another place next time. Few days later, you told me that you were so grateful with my question and you can feel much more comfortable with me. That circumstance was the day where we started to get closer and became a good friend.
Another “the two of us” story is when we planned to go to Clarendon festival after doing a volunteer in Islamic Relief. After finishing all the task we were in rush to catch the first bus and metro train. Unfortunately it was saturday where the bus schedule is different rather than weekdays. We couldn’t catch the first bus so we decided to take a walk until train station. We thought it was not that far while seeing the gmaps. But these two dumb and dumber couldn’t learned google maps. Lol. We lost once and it took 30 min by walking. During that 30 minutes, we talked and talked everything. I don’t remember our topic specifically but I do remember our talks were full of laughters. It made that 30 minutes feel like 3 minutes away.
Our last conversation was in Aninda’s apartment. It was in ramadhan month and we finished preparing iftar and waiting the breakfasting time which was in 1 hour. We invited oscar as well and aninda was there too. She was sick and slept over on the couch. We sat next to the balcony in the TV room. We spent that 1 hour while talking all the things!! I don’t know why but talking to you is always super fun and I couldn’t hide my dark stories. Lol. You know how to dig information in person. We stopped our convo when the time for iftar is started and at the same time aninda woke up and oscar came too. Back then I didn’t know it was our last favorite convo. Yes, all of them are my favorite deep convos.
We also had a good time in Oldtown, that random day when you, me and weny went to oldtown because we need to take a break and Old town was our choice. It was winter and freezing and we were only walking around oldtown, bought a not so popular BoBa tea in oldtown, took a lot of pictures with your new iphone, bought a kind of sweet popcorn snack which you and weny recommended and took trolley and back to home! See, you always asked a random thing to do and we keep saying yes and go! Lol. All the circumstances we had are super fun :”
Dear you, my good friend. After knowing the news you were gone, it was a heartbreaking for me. I have a lot friends, but only few of best friends. Since the day 1, I didn’t know you’ll be one of my best friend. We started to avoid each other since the day 1 but turned out need each other.
That day, the first day you passed away, I didn’t know how to react. I wanna cry but I deny admitting the news. I don’t want to believe it but all of your friends posted your picture telling it was true, they cried for you, they posted all good things and how nice you were in person. Me, even couldn’t posted your picture in social media. I stopped to open Instagram and facebook but I keep watching your videos which I recorded in my phone. That’s crazy, bcs it was not only me. All of your friends feel the same way like me.
Dear you, you are a precious friend, a friend who always encourage people, support friend and always say positive things, you are smart but you don’t make me feel inferior, you usually corrected my grammar or my pronouncing without me feeling offended. You always can see a good thing in every person, whenever I feel sad and show my sad face, you told me to chin up and keep smiling because happy face is contagious. You always had impromptu idea. Four of us (you, weny, aninda and I) finally had group pictures, we recorded our first tik tok dance (with that dance like a stone. Lol), we had our first watching netflix series in group and the karaoke time! Who doesn’t missed it?!
In the end, I am so grateful we made umpteenth pleasant memories with you. Today is your birthday and I promised to write this letter after two months of your passing. I pray for you, you’ll be placed in a good place. You have a good heart and you are always be loved. May Allah shower your soul with His Infinite Mercy. I am sending you a lot of salawat and istighfar. For ijal’s friend and family, may Allah make your heart to be stronger, wiser and better.
A letter from Ikrim, your Baby Shark (nobody calls me the way you did again :”)
When I talk about my personality, things that come into my mind is how rebel I am in front of my family. Everything, every behavior I showed in front of them is so much bad attitude.
Emang ya, keluarga adalah orang pertama yang berada di ring 1 lu. Mereka yang tau gue luar dalam sejak lahir kedua sampai di umur gue yang udah nginjak 27 tahun ini. Jadi segimanapun gue pake fake face di depan mereka, tetap aja kebaca bo’.
Personality di depan keluarga sama diluaran beda banget. Diluar gue bisa adem dan kalem. Tapi di depan keluarga gue bisa rebel, berontak, ngambek dan marah. Begitupun didepan orang yg gue anggep deket kayak sahabat2 gue. Kadang ngerasa bersalah juga sama mereka, karena mereka ga ada salah. Kadang gue marah karena hal C, tapi gue lampiasin ke mereka. Abis itu nyesel, tapi gengsi buat minta maaf. Sampe kakak gue ngirim chat WA buat nasihatin gue. Segitu susahnya buat ngobrol heart to heart ke diri gue. Astaghfirullah ya ikrim ini 😦
Semoga kedepannya gue bisa nurunin ego gue dan latihan komunikasi tanpa pake emosi.
Kalo ketemu sama orang diluaran bakal beda ceritanya. Personality gue kalo ketemu orang pertama kali, gue bakal jaga jarak dan bangun benteng setinggi2nya. Tergantung jenis hubungan apa dengan orang tsb. Kalo gue butuh orang tsb, ya gue bakal pasang muka manis. Kalo biasa aja, ya gue bakal biasa aja. Bukan tipe yang rame anaknya pas pertama kalo ketemu. Beberapa orang yg ga kenal gue bakal bilang gue polos, pemalu, cuek, jutek, sangar, keliatan pintar dan sholehah. Iya, mereka liatnya luaran kan. Tau gue sholehah (Aamiin ya Allah) dari penampilan gue yang tertutup dari atas sampai bawah, trus ga salaman dan ngomong seperlunya. Sisanya, mereka mengamati dari ekspresi, respon gue dan cara gue ngadapin masalah. Apa2 yang mereka bilang ga salah juga. I can’t please everyone, right?
Gue itu tipe males ngobrol dan mulai pembicaraan. Tapi saat udah deket, gue bakal terbuka banget akan hal yang gue pendam. Tapi pastinya ga semua hal. Beberapa hal yg gue bisa share aja. Temen kuliah gue, ninda sampe ngeluh sama gue karena saking seringnya dia curhat ke gue tapi gue nya ga pernah curhat sebanyak dia. Dia gatau gimana keluarga gue, masa kecil gue, orang yang lagi gue suka atau hal ngeselin dihati gue. Gue cuman mikir, emang perlu ya gue cerita semual hal tersebut? Bukannya itu hal privacy? Bukannya topik2 tersebut topik yang biasa saja, ga sebegitu penting untuk diceritain? Saat itu gue mikirnya kayak gitu.
Gue ngerasa ga ada urgensi untuk cerita hal pribadi gue ke siapapun. Makanya kalo ada teman yang cerita aib mereka, privacy mereka ke gue, gue jadi merasa aneh. Kok bisa2nya dia cerita? Emang gue bisa dipercaya? Apa mereka nganggep gue temen yg bisa dicurhatin semuanya?
In the end, gue sadar. Mereka anggep gue sahabat dan seorang pendengar yang baik. Gue ga ngerasa ahli dalam ngasih nasihat. Cuman dengerin aja dan kalo mereka butuh nasihat gue kasih sepengetahuan gue dari sisi agama dan ilmu yang dikit banget.
Bisa dibilang gue gamau terlalu deket sama siapapun baik cewek atau cowok. Temen2 gue tau kalo gue suka kemana2 sendiri. Jalan kaki, motoran, naik bus, trip ke kota lain. Banyak juga pengalaman gue kemana2 sendiri. Tapi gue menikmatinya. Waktu di amrik, perjalanan naik bus yg panjang kayak dari Washington DC ke New York adalah hal yang sangat gue nikmati. Sendiri duduk di tepi jendela sambil denger playlist favorit gue.
Sifat gue yang lain, gue empati dan simpatinya tinggi. Gue bisa nangis denger kisah sedih orang atau nonton drama dan film. Anehnya gue ga gampang sedih kalo itu bersangkutan dengan anggota keluarga gue. Kakak gue sakit, gue biasa aja. Tapi pas jauhan, waktu gue ngerantau dan tau papa gue collapse, gue nangis bombay sih.
Terkadang gue keliatan cuek, tapi gue berusaha nyari info orang2 yang gue sayang.
Gue ga suka sentuhan. Seperti pegangan tangan, pelukan, rangkulan, dll. Jahatnya gue, sampe gue nolak tangan adik gue yang mau megang tangan gue buat nyebrang jalanan. Begitupun ponakan gue yg pengen pegangan tangan waktu jalan2 di mall. Ini gue sekarang merasa bersalah banget sih kalo inget lagi. Alhamdulillah sekarang udah ga sejahat itu. Gue belajar pas di amrik, sentuhan itu bisa ngalirin energi dan buang rasa sedih. Orang pun merasa dihargai. Note: pelukannya ke sesama jenis ya.
Kenapa gue gasuka sentuhan gitu, mungkin karena dari kecil ga pernah diperlakuin kayak gitu. Gue udah dididik buat mandiri dan ga tergantung sama orang lain. Udah ga tinggal sama orang tua sejak umur lima tahun. Kelas 3 sd udah diajarin masak. SMP udah mulai berani belanja keperluan rumah di pasar. Belajar masak gulai, rendang, dll. Belajar beresin rumah dan belajar mata pelajaran sendiri. Ngerjain peer abis sampe rumah dan belajar untuk ulangan harian esoknya. Semuanya rutinitas gue dari SD sampe SMP kayak gitu. Makanya gue ga punya temen deket pas SD dan SMP. Semuanya gue anggep temen untuk keperluan selama SMP.
Iya, gue geli sendiri kalo ada yg megang tangan gitu. Emang ga bisa sih gue romantis2an. Haha
Gue orangnya juga overthingking, sampe seorang stranger bilang ke guat buat relax and enjoy the experience. Sebenernya gue antara overthinking dan deliberative sih anaknya. Ambil keputusan bisa lama. Sering juga gue nyesel abis ambil keputusan. Ini juga sih yg bikin gue belom nikah2 sampe sekarang. Mikirnya kelamaan. Kata orang kalo udah nemu jodoh, bakal ngeklik dan ga lama ambil keputusan. Berarti ga berlaku dong ya sama gue yang deliberative nya tinggi ini. Huft.
Gue waktu kecil gatau mau apa, masih nyari jati diri. Jadi gue tuh suka ikut2an orang. Pas kakak gue suka baca buku, gue ikutan suka baca buku. Dia suka harry potter, gue ikutan. Baca2 komik juga. Waktu temen kelas lagi trending baca naruto, gue ikutan. Temen mau lanjut sma di cendikia, gue ikutan juga. Makanya sekarang gue hati2 juga sih temenan sama orang dan filter tontonan gue, karena bisa ngasih pengaruh sama gue. Sekarang juga gue nyadar ternyata gue ga terlalu suka baca buku, nonton film pun biasa aja, ga terlalu ngikutin, harry potter pun biasa aja di gue, gapapa kalo gue gatau siapa itu prof. Snape atau mantra buat buka pintu. Gue pun ga masalah kalo gue ga bisa satu alumni dan masuk ke kampus keren kayak temen gue. Ga masalah kalo gue ga punya prestasi yang menggemparkan kayak temen gue di kelas SBI. Ternyata dengan menerima apa2 yang gue suka dan ga gue suka, nerima ga harus ikut arus tren adalah melegakan. Terutama menerima diri gue sendiri yang ga punya hobi, ga punya sesuatu buat dipamerkan adalah menenangkan. Ditanya sama temen, lagi sibuk apa? Nganggur nih coy, ga kemana2, dirumah aja Alhamdulillah.
Ga perlu juga gue punya barang2 mahal karena ga butuh. Lingkungan gue bukan ibu2 sosialita yang harus pamer segala harta dan tren pada jamannya. Lingkungan gue adalah lingkungan kampung dimana yang dilihat adalah kebaikan2 kita, sopan santun dan akhlak. Ga ngerti mereka barang2 branded gitu. Jadi ga guna buat pamer. Yang ada malah jadi malu sendiri. Haha
Kesimpulannya, gue orangnya pendiem di awal ketemu, tapi bisa heboh kalo dapet temen dan lingkungan yang cucok dan asyik. Gue bisa marah dan tenang. Gue bisa jadi problem solver atau good listener at the same time. Gue bisa lu tanya2 soal self-love, self-awareness karena gue pun pernah depresi. Gue nganggep semua orang itu zero di awal pertemuan. Di pertemuan selanjutnya gue bisa nilai orang ini bisa dapet poin 100 atau -100. Bisa gue lanjutin pertemanan atau jadi kenalan aja. Gue punya value yang kuat yang udah gue dapet dari papa gue yang seorang ustadz semenjak dini. Gue bisa toleransi lo walau beda agama, ras, bahasa, suku, dan sexual orientation. Mungkin lo bisa terbuka sama gue, sayangnya belom tentu gue bisa begitu ke elu. Lu harus nunggu timing yang pas buat bisa tahu isi hati gue. Gue suka belajar hal2 baru, dan mungkin gue bakal ngeyel sama pendapat gue. Gue ga suka dipaksa, tapi kadang gue suka maksa kehendak gue ke orang lain. Gue suka makan makanan apa aja. Asal enak. Kalo banyak makan minum yang manis gue bisa kelebihan energi. Gue ga ngerti make up dan skincare. Tapi gue tau apa yang cocok buat kulit gue. Gue tahu apa style yg cocok buat gue. Makanya pas temen gue ngeluh model jilbab gue kok ga diubah kayak tren jamannya, I don’t mind karena gue udah nyaman dan ga perlu diubah selama masih di koridor agama. Mungkin akan susah nasihatin gue saat gue baru bikin kesalahan. Tapi ketahuilah, saat gue diam dan sendiri gue menyadari kesalahan gue. Tapi ya itu masalah gue, ego dan keangkuhannya masih tinggi. Masih belajar buat humble dan ga overthinking. May Allah helps me.
Ternyata banyak juga curhatan hari ini. Kamu yang baca ini, kurang lebih sudah tahu karakter gue gimana. Semoga kalo kita ketemu di dunia nyata, you can treat me well and so do I. Semoga gue dan kita semua selalu dikelilingi sahabat yang sabar dalam menasihati kita. Aamiin
In Pariaman, rainy days in the beginning of October.
Welcome rainy days.
Thank you Allah
Ikrim, your innocent friend